Ok, ok, I know this subject gets talked about a great deal, and everybody thinks they have the key to what it’s all about!

But just hold on!

I really think I have the key to what it’s all about!

The dictionary gives a number of definitions for what confidence is, but they all boil down to one basic thing.

Trust!

“…from Latin confīdere, from fīdere to trust”

If we feel we can confide in someone, we have “confidence” that they will keep what we say “confidential.”

In other words, we trust them!

If we have confidence that something will work out the way we want it to, or at least the way we believe it will, we can say we trust the process.

If we have confidence in a co-worker’s abilities, we can say we trust them to do what they say they can do, or what we have previously observed them being able to do. We trust in their ability to succeed!

Self confidence comes from a high level of trust in ourselves, not so much that what we do in any particular situation will work out, but rather that we can be ok regardless of what happens. We have a belief that we are able to handle ourselves in a wide range of situations and can handle a wide range of possible scenarios and be fine regardless of the outcome.

We trust ourselves and our ability to be resilient, flexible, and to keep ourselves safe from whatever imagined psychic or emotional threat to our well-being might be gerbil-wheeling around in our heads.

In other words, we have a recognition that we are the keepers of our own safety, and therefore feel generally safe in the world in a variety of contexts and situations.

This applies to all points in our lives, but is particularly noticeable at points of life transitions.

Transitions tend to be unsettling because those are the times when we are moving from familiarity to the unknown.

And as we all know, the unknown can be a little scary since it is difficult to prepare for, and often catches us off-guard and may require new skills and new information to maneuver through.

There’s a quote by an unknown author that I think particularly salient to demonstrate this.

“When you come to the edge of all you know,

And are about to step off into the unknown,

Faith is knowing one of two things will happen.

Either there will be something solid to stand on,

Or you will be taught to fly.”

Confidence in yourself and your capability to handle whatever comes next allows you to journey through these transitions in a way that creates more positive anticipation of your future, rather than creating fear!

You can explore life and all the adventures you might have, rather than living cautiously and missing out!

Do you trust yourself and the people in your life?

Do you have the confidence to be open to new adventures in your life?

Let me know the ways in which having confidence in, and trusting yourself or someone/something, has opened up opportunities for you, or added to the quality of your life and the joy you’ve allowed yourself to feel in a particular instance…or in general!

I’d love to hear from you…let me know whether you agree (disagree?) that trust is indeed the key to what confidence is all about!

Coach Char

Guiding You to Grow Your Legacy, One Blog at a Time!

When you’re sure of something, are you really, really sure?

We tend to think our assumptions are correct and our perspective is the right way to see things.

Our brains, in fact, are really good at categorizing things. We need to do this, or the brain’s input would be so overwhelming we could not process it all without our heads exploding!

There’s just too much going on all the time for our brains to handle each thing directly and immediately.

Therefore…we make assumptions about things we believe are obvious…at least to us!

And sometimes…many times, in fact, we are right.

But we are sometimes wrong.

That’s not a bad thing, just something we need to be aware of and something we need to acknowledge as a possibility, at least!

Let me give an example of a time when we may think we know something, when really we don’t have a clue because our assumptions have interfered with our ability to see what is really going on.

My mother went to school at Normal Teacher’s College in Normal, Illinois. She tells me a story of how she and some classmates pulled the wool over the eyes of her Latin professor.

Here’s what they did.

They gave the instructor the text I have provided below, and asked the instructor to translate it for them.

Here it is…

“O sibile si ergo

Fortibus es in aro.

O nobile demis trux

Si vatsin em

Causen dux”

So, do you know Latin? Can you translate it?

Give yourself a minute to study the text.

What do you think?

Now let me give you the translation.

“Oh, see Billy, see her go.

Forty buses in a row.

Oh no, Billy. Them is trucks.

See what’s in them,

Cows and ducks.”

Take another look at the text.

Can you now see what it really says if you pronounce it just as you see it, rather than reading it as Latin text?

Perhaps you were fooled by the look of the text, or by the fact that I said she attempted to fool her LATIN professor…?

You were perhaps already sure of what you saw in front of you…and maybe you already knew you didn’t know Latin, so…?

In our lives, and in our relationships, this happens frequently…right?

When we think we know, we stop looking for alternative explanations.

So the next time you are sure…take another look.

Be willing to see the situation from another perspective.

Be willing to see it with an absolutely open, unencumbered mind…if possible.

Or at least listen to what someone else says is going on, just to provide you with a different angle on the subject.

Why not? You know what they say:

Two heads are better than one!

Coach Char

http://www.nextinlifecoaching.com

There’s a quote from a man named William Shakespeare that I love. Well, actually one of many quotes from William Shakespeare that I love…

“Nothing is good or bad, but our thinking makes it so.”

Ain’t it the truth!

We all tend to believe we have the answers. That we are the one with the true perspective on life. If we say something is good…then it is good. And if we say something is bad…then it is bad, and we absolutely know what is right and wrong.

And we very often are not shy about letting everyone in our lives know our truth, which we believe aught to be their truth as well.

I see it frequently with the folks who hire me to help their lives and relationships feel better. Unless I direct the sessions, many people would spend the entire session time attempting to convince me that they are right, and their partner, children, parents, etc. are clearly wrong!

In fact, that is one of the endearing traits of human beings that keeps me in business as a psychotherapist and as a transition coach! We will argue “to the death” that we are right, and anybody who disagrees with our perspective is wrong.

And the truth is…from each of our perspectives, we each are perhaps right, at least for us!

I recently came across some quotes from previous decades which are a perfect example of perspective. Let me share them with you…

“I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”

“There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”

“No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”

“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”

I’m sure each of these folks were serious, and thought they had a pulse on the truth!

What do you think…did they?

The answer is yes and no. From their perspective, out of the historical perspective they were speaking from, they really thought they were right. They were speaking truth, as they saw it.

We still do that, but we each think it’s a different story if we are the one who is saying it, and if it is something in which we strongly believe.

But is it really the truth?

Isn’t it still just our take on something, our opinion, our perspective on what is happening?

The next time you feel strongly about something, and are about to powerfully approach the subject with someone in an attempt to get them to believe you are right and they are wrong, think about it!

Is it possible you are wrong?

Is it possible you are both right?

And most importantly, does it matter enough to allow it to interfere with, and sabotage, your relationships?

Coach Char

I once heard an hilarious quip on Saturday Night Live that said:

“I want to save the world for my children, but not for my children’s children,     because I don’t think children should be having sex!”

Sometimes when I’m working with couples, whether they’re married, in a committed long-term relationship, heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or whatever, I feel like I’m working with children.

Couples often says things like:

Well, he/she started it!

I’m not doing anything different until (my partner) changes!

She/He can’t tell me what to do!

She/He is not making me happy!

They promised to be a certain person when we got married (or got together), but     now they’ve changed! They can’t do that…can they?

I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back till they give me what I want! (paraphrased)

They hurt me, and I’m going to hurt them back!

The fact is, we cannot do a successful long-term adult relationships if we behave like children!

Four vital components need to be present for successful adult relationships, whether those relationships are ones we have with another adult, or are relationships we have with our children.

These essential components include trust, respect, lightness/humor, forgiveness. There are other important components, but these four are the subject of this discourse.

TRUST

If we don’t trust, we can’t develop closeness with others.

I believe that trust is a decision we make about how we respond to others.

It’s not something we do only when we already know the other person will be trustworthy.

When I hear people say they have “a trust issue” because someone treated them poorly, I think back to the scientific process.

If we have a sample size of 1, 2, or even 10, is that a sufficient sample size to provide validity to the results of that experiment?

Of course not!

And yet, if one person shows themselves to be untrustworthy, we often jump to the generalized conclusion that we can’t trust ANYONE!

It makes more sense to BEGIN with the decision to trust someone, on a one by one basis, and wait to see if they will decide  to be trustworthy with us.

And just because someone messes up and is not trustworthy in a specific situation doesn’t mean we can’t give them more chances to get it right!

We are all human and flawed…we all make bad decisions about how we behave sometimes, and can learn to be better only if given opportunities to practice!

Relationships works better if we keep these things in mind and show compassion for the fallibility we all share.

RESPECT

When we’re angry, disappointed, or hurt, we’re often thinking more

about how to get to a place of feeling better than we are about how

we’re treating the person whom we believe caused us to feel bad.

This is one of the ways in which couples fall into the pattern of dis-

respecting each other.

We also may feel, at these times, as if we’ve lost power and

position in the relationship, and in our attempts to regain our sense

of viability and power we may believe that lowering the other per-

son’s position or sense of power will make us feel better.

This strategy, of course, never works well!

Respect is essential in any relationship, and especially important in

close, intimate relationships with significant others.

We need to feel safe and valued by another person in order to allow ourselves the vulnerability to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually close with them.

If we feel psychically and emotionally harmed by them through the process of being disrespected, we will never allow ourselves to be close and intimate with them, for fear of being further harmed.

So let’s talk a minute about integrity.

When we speak of integrity, we refer to our ability to remain who we are,

even in proximity to someone or something that’s very different from us.

It’s about remaining true to our values when faced with difficult choices and situations.

In the same way that a drinking glass has molecular integrity because it doesn’t take on the properties of the water poured into it even though the water molecules are in close proximity to the molecules of the glass, so we, in close relationship with others, need to maintain our sense of who we are, how we choose to behave and respond to others, and need to maintain our own valued principles of behavior, even when our beliefs differ from the other person’s beliefs and their own level of integrity and maturity.

LIGHTNESS/HUMOR

“Life is too important to take so seriously.”

When we lose our perspective and focus, and think everything is serious and intensely personal, we lose sight of how important it is to enjoy life and each other.

We need to have more fun in our relationships!

We often confuse seriousness with an awareness of something being important.

These concepts aren’t necessarily the same thing!

Things are important just because they’re important. We can know that, without having to be really, really serious about things all the time!

Humor is fun, and is very important to help us keep things in perspective in our relationships.

Although of course our lives our important, our lives are also suppose to be enjoyable and fun!

Our relationships are blessed and closer when we enjoy each other rather than competing for a position of being right or better than each other.

Find the humor in situations and in the foibles we’re all guilty of, and you will be reminded each day that, for the most part, all the stuff you thought had to be handled “in no uncertain terms!” often does not need to be handled at all! We often discover, in fact, that “this to shall pass!”

FORGIVENESS

Everybody makes mistakes. Through the course of our lives, we all make lots of mistakes.

If we are not willing to forgive each other, we become so burdened with “stuff” we are holding on to, that it weighs us down and keeps us from having quality relationships.

You’ve heard the quote, “Be sure to remove the log from your own eye, before trying to remove the speck from your neighbor’s eye.”

Refusing to forgive someone is a very superior position to take in our relationships. It implies we’re better than they are, and are in a worthy position to judge them for what they do.

We do not have this right, nor are we really superior to the other people in our lives.

We all need forgiveness…and often!

If we would like to be forgiven for the mistakes we make, we need to be willing to forgive others, and in our close, personal relationships it’s difficult to feel close to someone who is not willing to forgive us!

Take a look at your relationships.

Are they as close, loving, and enjoyable as you would like?

If not, are you practicing the above principles on a daily basis?

Give it a try, and you’ll be blessed with the kind of quality relationships you really want in your life…the kind of relationships we all want more than anything else in our lives!

Coach Char

When we think about our children being grown up and independent, what age are they?

It use to be that once a child reached 18 years, they were considered grown.

I’m not sure that is still the case.

If they have graduated high school and are not planning college or trade school of some sort, we may be more likely to encourage them to get a job and become independent.

But what if, in today’s economy, they can’t find a job? Or if they have trouble finding one that will support their total independence?

Then what?

And if they are enrolled at a university, college or trade school, do we expect them to work to pay for some or all of their schooling? Do we ask that they live somewhere other than the family home?

Do we want them to live elsewhere, even if it means we pay for a dorm room or apartment while they concentrate on their studies…and other activities of learning to be out in the world on their own?

And what if they graduate from college, have a degree, maybe even had a job, but were laid-off and have no money to live?

Can they move back home? What will the rules be for such an arrangement? How will we co-exist with grown children in the home without negatively impacting our relationship with them?

These are all important questions, but there are questions even more vital to the outcome of this developmental stage of the family.

How good a job of parenting did we do in the earlier years of child rearing?

Did we set good limits, clear and simple rules to follow, and did we follow through with positive and negative consequences which taught our children how to make good decisions, and how the adult world might respond to them around the quality of their decisions?

Did we love them as unconditionally as is humanly possible, and yet not confuse love with being popular with our children, or confuse it with the quality of the parenting we implemented?

The quality of our relationships with grown children is usually only as good as the quality of the parenting done when they were children in the home.

If we have done the job well in the early years of parenting, then handling the challenges of grown children, either in the home or out of the home, is much easier.

If we have not destroyed our relationships with our children by the time they leave the home, it puts us in a much better place to work through issues with them as grown children.

This requires good communication & negotiating skills, an ability and willingness to compromise to achieve win/win solutions to issues that arise, and a level of care and concern for each other that creates a desire to find solutions that work for all involved.

In these economic times, and the social climate of increased expectation for children & young adults to grow up quickly, or lesser expectations, in some cases, for children to take responsibility for growing up at all, it is often very challenging for families to maneuver well through it all.

If we have done a reasonably good job of parenting our young children, then hopefully we can continue to talk with our grown children in a way that is respectful and honors their need to balance the fears of growing up with the desire to be on their own.

If we do this well, we can have many years of wonderful relationship with our children as peers and friends when they are grown.

They may also be more willing to remain in good relationship with us, and might even be willing to help their “feeble old folks” when and if we have need of their support and compassion at some point in our future!

Coach Char

You’ve heard the expression that someone is behaving “like a chicken with their head cut off.”

Have you ever seen a chicken after it’s had its head permanently separated from its body…? Not a pretty picture, I can assure you! It flops around in a crazy frenetic-looking way reminiscent of some wild, drug-induced dance, like might have been seen in a college dorm room on a Saturday night after sitting around a bong…listening to the Moody Blues!

Although it’s a somewhat gory metaphor (the chicken…not the bong), it’s an accurate rendition of how many of us live our lives.

We live in a somewhat crazy, potentially chaotic, world and it’s easy to get caught up in the belief that we need to stay constantly busy, productive, and “on the move” to show we are successful, important, and in the middle of it all!

And we need to do it all, and have it all, right now!

Many of us are running around from morning till night, frantically working to do…something.

But is our activity attached to any kind of conscious, intentional decision that has embedded within it a clear vision of where we are going, what results the activities we engage in will produce, and whether these are the results we really want?

Is it alright to sometimes do…nothing? I mean literally…nothing?

Perhaps slowing down long enough to think about these things might be a good idea…

And certainly working for a balance between doing something and doing nothing is a marvelous idea!

If not, we may run out of steam before we’re ready to.

And…we end up living no more mindfully than that proverbial chicken.

And remember…his head wasn’t even attached to his body!

When I talk with individuals about their retirement plans, I frequently get two common responses.

Some folks look at me with such fear you’d think I just asked them to jump off the Empire State Building to see if they can fly!

Others look at me with longing in their eyes…not longing for me, of course, but for the day when they can finally do whatever they want, rather than what a job, or the demands of a career, tell them they must do!

Unfortunately, either of these reactions indicate that a great number of people do not understand what the “new” retirement is all about.

It is not about sitting around doing nothing, and certainly not about playing shuffle board…do boomers even know what that is, or how to play it?

As much as many of you love the game of golf, or a rousing game of poker, or visiting grown children and grandchildren, you probably will not want to spend all of your time for the next 30 plus years with these activities alone!

Physical limitations may at some point interfere with the number of weekly games of golf you can play, or your golf buddies may be on a cruise, traveling to see their grandchildren, or heading to the top of the Empire State Building to get into heaven knows what kind of mischief! (Did that guy have wings strapped on his back!!!)

Poker is fun, but once you’ve taken all your friends’ money, or they’ve wised up to you and won’t play with you any more, then what!

And at some point, your kids will want you to leave and let them make their own mistakes with their own children without your help!

So what will you do then? Do you have a plan that’s more specific than, “I can always find something to do!”?

Maybe you can…and you will.

I hope so.

Because if not, you may find yourself in trouble…

Boredom, lack of purpose, isolation, and a poor self image, if you are no longer directly involved with  some wonderfully important career endeavor or with the colleagues who are still busy doing that wonderfully important work, can be significant stressors which can lead to depression and a general lack of interest in life.

This is not good. You really don’t want this to happen, do you?

If you are aware of what the retirement years can hold for you, and all the important components of life that you want to be sure are in place for that developmental transition, you will be in a much better position to enjoy retirement, whatever it looks like for you!

So…Ready? …Set? …Retire! …and Enjoy!

Many things can, and do, motivate us in our lives. We are motivated for different reasons and with different results. Often, however, we are unaware of the actual process of why we make the decisions we make in our lives.

When fear is the motivator, the decisions we make are not always the ones we would choose to make if motivated differently.

Let’s take a look at the process of fear based motivation.

When we are making decisions based on fear, we tend to be in defensive mode. We are often making the decision that feels the safest, not necessarily the best. We are making a decision based on short-term survival rather than long-term benefit.

It doesn’t matter whether we are actually in physical danger or not, our brain registers the threat as real, unless we wait long enough to process the situation and assess the actual danger, using the reasoning part of the brain rather than the primal brain.

Let’s review a basic concept of survivor behavior…

When we feel fear, we often react in one of three ways. We Fight (become defensive)…We Flee (avoidance & procrastination)…or We Freeze (Do nothing). We react in these ways without much conscious thought. In other words, we “react” instinctively, rather than thinking about it in a rational way. These quick decisions serve the purpose of increasing our odds of surviving some perceived threat.

The thing is, though…we don’t have many saber-tooth tigers to deal with in our every day lives anymore. There is far less actual danger than our reactive way of handling things might indicate.

We could probably take more time and think about our decisions. We could take a couple of deep breaths and sit quietly for a few moments. We could ask trusted advisers for information. We could give ourselves the time to determine whether we are actually in danger or not, and we could practice a more thoughtful, contemplative, long-term benefit approach to decision-making…with less fear, if we were willing to be more courageous.

This approach would be more encouraging, more empowering, and more directionally accurate than a knee-jerk reaction tends to be.

Our results would also be more positive. We would be more likely to create the kind of results we want to create.

These concepts apply when we are making financial decisions about retirement investing, and how, in general, we choose to spend, or not spend, money.

When we ask for, and receive, good advise and information from a trusted financial adviser, we are well served if we use that advise well and make courageous, wise, and thoughtful decisions regarding our finances and our investments.

This requires getting out of fear mode, and allowing ourselves the time to think about what makes good financial sense…and what part is fear-based and unnecessary to the decision making process.

When we are thinking about other decisions we make in our lives, the same principles apply.

Are we making decisions about who we will be in relationship with, and what kinds of activities we will be involved in, based on fear and an attempt to stay safe (not risk failure or rejection), or are we courageous in going for what we want in life, even if it is scary!

Are we staying in a career that is no longer satisfying, rather than risk doing something we really want to do?

Are we deciding not to retire because the unknown of not being gainfully employed, or employed in a different capacity, invokes too much fear, and “freezes” us from deciding on a different life course?

Good questions. These are questions worth asking, and answering, to allow us to move away from fear…and more fully into life!

Coach Char

Making New Year’s Resolutions is such a long-standing tradition we may not really think much about what it really means to resolve to do something…and then actually do it!

The word “resolution” has embedded in it the root word “resolute.”

Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines “resolute” as: “marked by firm determination: resolved: bold, steady.” The concept of “resolved” is defined as: “to reach a firm decision about: fixity of purpose.”

I know some of you are still fixated on the beginning of the last paragraph, and thinking, with amazement, “She has a copy of Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, and is actually referencing it for her blog in the last dwindling hours of 2010?”

Yes, I still have a hardback copy of that archaic manuscript..and I look at it from time to time when I want something solid and substantial to hold…and a quick definition.

So, back to the point. Resolutions are not to be taken lightly! Not if you value your integrity and your word!

A resolution is a promise.

A New Year’s Resolution is a promise you make to yourself. Promises are important to keep. They speak to your trustworthiness, and your willingness to do what you say you’ll  do.

I therefore believe that we need to think carefully about the promises we make for 2011.

Are you truly willing to keep the promises you make?

Do you know how to accomplish what you say you’ll accomplish?

Do you have the time, motivation, and energy for the promises you are making?

Are you clear about whether what you are promising to do is worth doing, or will it really matter to your life if you succeed?

My personal (and professional) opinion? If your New Year’s Resolutions have to do with getting rich or getting skinny, you may want to rethink it…

Not that these things wouldn’t make a change in your life. They probably would…but it might not be the glorious change you expect!

So, how about focusing on what is really, ultimately, universally important for all of us to focus on in our lives?

If you’ve read any of my blogs, you already know what I’m talking about!

Relationships! If your resolutions for 2011 have to do with improving your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues, then you can’t go wrong. Focusing on relationships is always time well spent…and promising ourselves to prioritize relationships is always a promise worth keeping!

And if you need help with this in 2011…let me know!

Happy New Year to you all!

Coach Char
Next In Life Coaching, LLC
“Never Retire Your Dream!”
www.nextinlifecoaching.com

There is no time of year that reminds us more clearly than Christmas what life is all about!

I use to feel this time of year was just a smidgeon schizophrenic…I mean, really! Santa Claus…and Jesus; Jesus…and Santa Clause? And if you toss in all the other religions, you’re left with a plethora of beliefs that can leave your head spinning!

And then it occurred to me…all beliefs, whether religious or santa-like, have a central core belief!

Life is all about love, connection with each other, and the joy of giving and receiving from each other…pure and simple!

Not only does this realization allow us to settle the head spinning about what the Holidays really mean, but it allows us to see that we are all much more similar than we are different.

We are relational creatures. We thrive on connection. And the only thing which ultimately separates us from each other, and from close relationships with each other, is fear & misunderstanding.

What is there to fear? Nothing with much substance… when you stop to think about it…

And this…is what Christmas reminds us. It reminds us that love and a spirit of giving are more powerful than any other force in the world. The Holidays, in spite of all the commercial hype, are about family, friends, and neighbors coming together to celebrate love.

I re-wrote this blog entry several times, wanting to say something brilliant, but the fact is, the message is simple…and brilliant…on its own!

Enjoy the holidays, however you choose to celebrate them. Love all the people you know, and even those you don’t!

You will never regret choosing love.

And that is ultimately the message of the Season, whether through the spirit of Santa Claus, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, The Buddha,…or any of the other religious or non-religious figures we envision within the context of whatever we believe!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Coach Char
Growing Your Legacy…One Blog at a Time!