Are you really aware of what’s going on in the most important relationship you have in your life?

Maybe, just maybe, your marriage/life partnership is in good shape, and provides all the satisfaction, joy, passion, and contentment you could ever hope for.

If that’s the case, and you’re really being honest with yourself at a gut level, then this message is not for you.

If so, then you’re excused to go to your local coffee shop, get a frappuccino, and I’ll see you later when we’re talking about spending unnecessary money on unhealthy, expensive coffee drinks!

But for those of you who suspect that your marriage is not everything it could be, or how you’d like it to be…

Read on…

I have previously written about the importance of making sure you take care of the business of  quality of life “as you go” throughout your life rather than counting on the retirement years to provide the happiness you seek.

Click Here for more on that.

So how would you know if your marriage/partnership is in good shape or not?

This is where paying attention to emotional cues, as well as the type of repetitive thoughts that circulate in your head, will give you valuable information.

If you often feel restless, mildly depressed, tired of trying to make it better, and lonely even when you and your spouse/partner are together, misunderstood, not heard, or it doesn’t feel to you that you are recognized for the remarkable person you know you are, you may have uncovered a potential problem in your relationship.

If your thoughts frequently run along the lines of: “I wish…”, “If only…”, “Who is this person”… (in reference to your spouse/partner), and… God forbid…”I wish I’d made a different decision before getting married 35…45  years ago…” or…”Why have I stayed with this person this long?” you know you’re in trouble.

It could, however, also be as subtle a process as just a low-grade sense of dissatisfaction that you can’t pin down!

Whatever the case, now is the time to take care of the situation, before you retire and spend even more time with this person!

Let me be absolutely clear that when I say “take care of the situation” I am NOT necessarily advocating divorce or separation!

There are other, less drastic measures that can provide solutions which will allow for companionship with the person you have called your “better half” for so many years!

When you begin the process of working on making any type of change in your life, it’s always the best policy to focus on what you actually can change.

What might that be…?

It’s not a trick question, just one that’s not always as easy to answer as you might think!

Simply put, however…now listen carefully…

You can only change stuff about yourself, not stuff that other people are doing, thinking , feeling, etc.

You can change how you yourself feel about a lot of things, but not always what is happening in and around your life.

By that I mean, you can’t always change the events or situations in your life, but you can change your response to those events and situations that arise.

Sound easy and obvious?

Try it and see!

Once you are clear about what you can and can’t change, and have some measure of awareness about what you would like different in your relationship, and in your life, then you can begin the process of change.

I’ll tell you a little secret…

The bad news in all of this is that most of the misery in your life is of your own doing…not the fault of your wife/husband/life partner.

And…that is also the good news!

Because… if you did it to yourself, with your mischievous thinking and behaviors that don’t work well, then you have the power to change it by changing how you think about things, and the types of behaviors you practice in your relationships and in your life!

Simply put…

It works best to allow your partner the autonomy to decide “who” they want to be, “what” they want to do in their lives, and “whether” they are interested in change.

Just because you are ready to change yourself and what you do, does not necessarily mean your partner is interested in changing.

And they have the right not to change if they don’t want to!

It also works best to practice acceptance of what “is” in each moment you are living. That’s not to say you can’t work to change stuff you don’t like, but in the moment you are living, it is what it is. Not accepting that fact will not change what is currently happening…in that moment before you figure out a way to change it…if you can!

There are few things that interfere more with a marriage than trying to change your partner…particularly if they don’t want to change!

Like the joke says…How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change!

There is nothing, I mean nothing, more important than our relationships. And probably few things as potentially challenging!

For more on how to do a quality relationship, give me a call!

I’d love to help!

Coach Char

I was taught in school that everything comprising our world is divided into three basic categories.

• Animals
• Plants
• Minerals

We bi-pedal types like to think, however, that we are somehow special.

That we belong to a special category.

That we are the chosen ones.

Some of us believe that, as human beings (rather than animals), perhaps the rules of nature and the universe don’t necessarily apply to us!

But they do!

And we are really animals, who behave in some ways like other animals…when push comes to shove!

After all, we aren’t plants…are we?

And we certainly aren’t minerals…although we have some minerals within our make-up.

There are several problems with thinking of ourselves as “not really animals” like other animals.

• We separate ourselves from nature, and operate sometimes as if we are not an integral part of nature.
• This feeling of being “separate from” can serve to reduce our sense of compassion and connectedness to other parts of nature and to the feeling of being a part of the natural order of things.
• If we aren’t a part of it, we may feel we don’t have to follow the rules that govern the rest of nature.
• We may get to feeling superior to, or better than, other parts of nature. This may result in a lack of respect for the rights of the rest of the world. This may reduce our general respect for the world and all things in it.

So why are we so reticent to being called animals?

Why is it we seem to feel it’s an insult to be called an “animal”?

The way we perceive the concept of being an animal is not the most flattering.

We tend to see animals as wild and untamed, as base and uncivilized, as lacking in intelligence and low in stature in the order of things.

Why is that? How did being an animal sink to such a low place?

However it happened, I am in strong disagreement with that view, and believe we would do well to get back to seeing animals as something we can be proud to be.

It almost seems like we’re referring to humans when we talk about being wild and untamed, base and uncivilized, and lacking intelligence!

A recent online discussion of how wonderful our canine pals are, and what a wonderful role they play in our lives, brought this concept home to me even more powerfully.

We think nothing but good things about the remarkable dogs we call our “best friends”, and, in fact, a few comments even hinted at the superiority of dogs to humans!

And yet…dogs are animals, and we seem to not think less of them as a result of that accident of birth! How can that be…?

Could we think of them in such glowing terms if we, in fact, thought they were inferior to us humans…the chosen ones?

Were dogs (& cats) “chosen”, like us?

If not…why not, if they’re so wonderful, and so capable of unconditional love, and the ability to forgive and move on in their relationships with us…

How do they manage that, when even we “chosen ones” don’t seem to be able to pull that off!

Perhaps it’s us humans who have the problem…?

Perhaps in forgetting how great it is to be animals, and in forgetting to behave like animals, we have forgotten how to behave.

Study your pet’s behavior. Experiment with modeling your behavior after your pet’s responses and their apparent “attitudes” in various situations, and see if your life and your relationships improve.

Get back to me on that, ok?

I’d love to hear the results of what you discover!

I have a a sneaky suspicion you may find that being an “animal” ain’t so bad after all!

We were, perhaps, just drawing on, and strengthening, the wrong animal traits and were therefore just not being very highly evolved in being the best animals we can be!

I’m not sure it makes much sense to get too uppity about the whole thing!